“It was a stormy Monday morning….”
Formed in the year 2066, the story of the Crashers is a long and intriguing ballad. Long struggling meth and coke addict, Jorge Luis Gonzalez learned guitar and drums in a humble home located in the sewers of Manhattan with the help of his slightly homosexual father. After getting kicked out of community college for selling condoms to elementary school girls, Christian Menard, aka Papi Chulo, met Jorge in a bar outside of Canada. Both Gonzalez and Menard decided to avoid the World War III draft, so they headed across the globe to the boarder of Texas until they reached the city of Brownsville, the once proud mecha of conjunto and tejano music. The two decided to try something different; cover songs no one cared about. Keeping both their friendship and addiction to unprotected sex close at hand, they did their best.
While touring the South most part of the United States, being sure to avoid WWIII internment camps, Christian and Jorge met a drummer by the name of Jonathan, playing at the time for a well known artist called Justin Beiber. After getting kicked out of the group for impregnating Selena Gomez, Jonathan was then forced into the gutter. However, tough times could not keep this drummer boy from drumming. He began earning a living by playing on the corner of Elizabeth and 9th. He would take his plastic drum set made of trash cans, pots, pans and old shoe boxes every place he went to. This was The Crashers first drum set. As Christian and Jorge were walking down the street, they heard an angelic rhythm from afar. They followed their ears and found their new member, and the rest is future.
The three members played till their hearts could no longer bear the strain of the road. So many crimes happened on the road: drug trafficking, human trafficking, the illegal creation and distribution of pornography, moon-shining and bestiality, The Crashers needed a place to escape the heat. So they stopped touring and settled down in the one place they knew no one would appreciate them: Brownsville. It was there they found Lorena hustling on the corner of 9th and Adams Street. Her career as a streetwalker was not paying off, and needed another way to make ends meet. Jorge invited her into the little known band, and she’s since been with the band.
It was not until several years later that the group ran into Steven. Steven controlled the cities marijuana supply and owned the RGV’s only dispensary, The Coughy Shop. This was a hot spot for local musicians. Steven badly wanted to be part of a band, but everyone was afraid of the bud kingpin, so he closed The Coughy Shop and held the city captive. No more bud for the city until someone agreed to let him play. Jorge began to go through withdrawals and convinced the rest of the group to let him play with The Crashers. Steven joined in, bud was distributed once again and the productivity of the city sharply dropped to its normal levels.
The band has consistently tried to replace each other out of bouts of paranoia, but they can never find another person who wants to be in the group. Seems as if their stuck with each other. The year is 2087, and as of the date of this article, The Crashers still have yet to be as high on the charts as Beyonce.